Learning to live again

Happy Birthday baby girl!

2010-08-16T11:20:00.000-04:00

Please God, make them remember that today is a special birthday. Make them understand that the memories don't go away. Bless them with ears to hear and hearts that care. Enable them to listen while I share. Shelter them that they may never know my pain. Help them to know that my child's life was not in vain. To see beyond the words "I'm ok." Please God, just let one remember, today is a special birthday! ~Unknown

Family...love them or leave them

2009-09-18T23:10:00.004-04:00

So my sister and my Mom have taken it upon themselves to let me know I should be done talking about Elora on any kind of regular basis anymore. A few of the better gems are:

From my sister
"you having a birthday party and even posting photos is very sad and disturbing..."
"I do not want my friends to see how disturbed you are..."
"...live in the present not the past."
"As for your group. They are dwelling in sorrow from what is sound like. It is a perpetual circle."

From my Mom
"...you should remove her from your messages, but definitely not from your heart."

The things from my sister were not a real shocker, she has expressed her distaste for how I have honored and grieved since last year. It seemed especially the pumping, wierded her out the most.
On the other side of the coin, I have made many new friends and have been invited into a family of angel mommies who understand me. Some of the words of support and wisdom they have given me, have helped pull me up when I feel like I'm falling into the pit.

"You keep remembering your princess angel baby. Keep doing what your doing. No one should ever downplay someones grief like that."
"We are here and know the pain you are going thru EVERY day and that you will miss you daughter EVERY day for the rest of your life."
"We need to worry about ourselves not other people."
"Noone can tell you how to feel, act, or live until they have walked in your shoes."
"Just because we are sad and grieving for a child that was taken from us too early, does not mean that we still arent living.. it just means that we need a little more support to get through the day."
"The loss of a child, or the grieving that goes with it is not an addiction, it's a process. There is no set length of time for that process, especially when that grief is over the loss of a child. And there is absoulty nothing unhealthy about it."
"It still amazes me how I can be in so much pain and still be alive, but I am. So I go on living for my family..."
"We arent "living for the dead", but we are letting them live through us. To me, that is the best that we have!"
"For those people who think we should get over it, I challenge them."

I could probably go thru the THOUSANDS of posts on MISS and find words like this in every other one! What's really sad is that I have found more comfort in the words and virtual arms of people, who were strangers a year ago...then the people I want it from, who are supposed to love me and be there unconditionally.

What God is saying to me today

2009-08-12T17:28:00.003-04:00

I know it's just a crazy Facebook App, but for some reason this hits the nail right on the head.

Kim got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that every little part of you is magical.

Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It's alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that's ...exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: ''I love you.''

It's like when I finally decide to go that rare church service cause I happen to be back home or something. The sermon is always what is going on in my life at the moment. I'm not nearly as religious as i used to be, but it's these times I pay attention to the most. Like God wanted to make sure I heard the message he had for me...and today I'm listening as well.

Been away a while

2009-08-03T15:00:00.004-04:00

I know I haven't posted in quite a while, I think I have just been using Facebook as the quicker way to talk to everyone. I do have some news to report though! I finally got Eloras urn and it's all put on her memorial shelf

I also made my own cremation bracelet, as I was having so much trouble finding anything that I really liked.

I'm sure there is lots more, but I don't want to bog down this one post with all the shit I should have posted in the last month or so. Back soon with more updates...

Gentle Fathers Day wishes

2009-06-21T13:39:00.000-04:00

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

Remembering Babies this Memorial Day

2009-05-14T17:51:00.004-04:00

A lot of the Moms on the MISS foundation forums have their babies buried in a cemetery. While we chose to have Elora cremated, so we could have her with us even if we have to PCS; it's one type of routine we won't ever have, of going to her gravesite to visit her. I do often hear though, from some of these other Moms, that sometimes they will clean around a headstone of a nearby baby if it seems no one has been around lately.

Some have even left flowers or little gifts for others when they are there for special celebrations or visitations of their own little ones! Many have also stated, that should it be done for them, it would be wonderful to know someone else is thinking about them and how we're all in this same boat together. That being said, I was inspired by these Mommies to do something like that here in town.

The funeral home where we had Eloras service, owns a cemetery here in Spring Lake. I found out that they have a special section just for babies! I think I am going to buy a whole bucket full of carnations on Memorial Day and place one on as many babies headstones as I can find. One Mama even decided to "adopt" a stone of a baby or two who has been gone for more than 50 years. No one is probably around anymore to place flowers or keep the weeds away. I think that sounds like something else I could do to fill this empty time I find myself with. Time that I should be chasing down a 9 month old instead.

I will take my camera and see if I can find one special baby who needs some attention. Maybe Elora will even point me in the right direction!

Myth of Silence

2009-05-02T14:42:00.002-04:00

Myth of Silence
by Rob Steiner

The modern image of a man has certainly evolved from our culture. More and more we have seen an enigma on how a ‘man’ is supposed to behave. Long gone is the image of yesteryears of man off to work and wife stays at home tending to household duties and mothering the children. Fatherhood seemed to be somewhat more of a hat or a role that men put on. Children approached dad as they would approach a boss or manager. Social rules were more defined, clear cut; it was well known how children were to behave around parents, how women were to behave in front of men and in retrospect how men behave towards women and children.

Over the years, we have literally seen an evolution, a shifting of social expectations between men and women. More women have gone out into the work force and became co-workers with fellow men. We have seen more men participating and being active in the home. However, there is still a paradigm that has not followed the tide as closely, despite the age of information that has been passed down. There is a stereotype that plagues men despite our modernization. To this very day, tears are still considered a sign of weakness. Still prevalent is the myth of the ‘strong silent type’. Media continues to show successful, masculine, virile heroes as anyone who is able to face any situation head on with either rational or excessive violent passion. All we need to consider are past blockbusters as the Rambo and Rocky series, the popular Schwarzenegger films, Braveheart and more recently 300. However, submitting to such a stereotype may also cause conflict, not only within us, but with our significant other.

When grieving the loss of your child, it is natural for men to want to “keep it together” for the sake of our partner. And that is certainly a plausible cause. However, grief is patient, and if left unattended, will rear her embrace soon enough. In fact, it is reported that the average man usually experiences the severe pangs of grief 6 months after the initial event. This is partly due to our setting aside our own feelings to take care and protect the mother of our bereaved child/ren. This is okay, as we are instinctively hardwired to protect our family in such a manner. But heed the warning: do not ignore the grief. In fact, I would encourage embracing it as quickly as possible.

To accept your loss is not about trying to block it out of your mind. Instead, it has to do with realizing the loss will change your world, and that you’re still meant to have a whole and healthy life in this new and different world. It is just that the new world is composed of a new “normal”, one without your little one(s). You can identify all your losses in your brain, but true grieving requires you to use your heart.

To be silent may be golden, but to stay silent may be costly. Love’s natural tendency is to flow outwardly with expressions such as smiles, kisses, touch and comfort. Grief is also one that has a natural nature, one of sorrow, loneliness and isolation. But the healing process is the giving a voice to and crying through sorrow and pain. A man needn’t feel ashamed of the tears shed, for every tear that I have shed for the loss of our little girl was the result of my love for our little Zoe. What father doesn’t share a special place for his daughter? A tear shed before your partner serves to confirm that she is not alone in her grief and sorrow. It also demonstrates that this is just not a bad dream to awaken from, but a reality that you are willing to walk through with her.

Indeed, a man’s courage and strength is not measured by how strong and silent he remains, but his strength is measured by the compassion and tears he is able to share.

The shortest verse found in the Bible is located in John 11 verse 35 where only two words are written, “Jesus wept”. Whether you believe that He is real or fiction is immaterial, the fact is that entire civilizations, laws, and moral compasses and teachings were formed based on this man. Certainly, if he was able to shed a tear, I can to.

Written with love in memory of Zoe Reta Mary Steiner, born with angel wings on August 4, 2006. Rob is one of our new volunteers. If you would like to correspond with him about father's grief, you may email him at rsedmonton@shaw.ca

So I had a session with a medium

2009-04-06T20:37:00.005-04:00

Well I think the reading went well...but now Im second guessing a few things I said. I thought i was being careful, I made a point to ask generic questions, or so i thought.

Anyway, Renee did have both my grandmothers there as well as the baby. Asked if something was wrong with her heart...I think thats maybe her sign she got for the fact that Eloras cord had a blood clot or the fact that it was during labor is when we found out there was no heartbeat. Because she also said that Elora was perfectly healthy in every way. The grandmother whose name we gave her, said she was beyond proud that we used it! That she never thought she was special enough to be honored like that.

I did ask about her eyes and hair since I wont get to see for myself, and she has my blue eyes and blonde hair. The baby is around us and I was right to assume the little white butterfly I kept seeing in the yard a couple weeks ago, was her. As far as getting pregnant again, she said don't be surprised if it does happen. She did see another one waitng in line to come to us. I dont think it'll be soon, cause she said just to relax and keep doing what Im doing. I dont need to do IVF or anything like that.

Im looking forward to another reading soon. Fifteen minutes just isnt long enough, and I forgot a couple questions anyway.

The Destination

2009-04-06T00:32:00.002-04:00

There is NOT ever a destination that you get to with grief. If you are trying to get over it, you are setting yourself up and will never get to that destination.
...there is no magic place when you wake up and say "Whew, I'm glad that's over".

A great bit of wise words from someone on the grief boards.

New sense of direction

2009-03-24T16:43:00.006-04:00

There was a woman on the MISS foundation board that contacted a NILMDTS photographer in their area, and got me to thinking. So I followed their lead and did the same thing the other day. Well today I met a lady who has been with the organization for almost 2 years, but Womack didn't know it existed. It took a couple who had already done research and known about NILMDTS, to tell the nursing staff, which led to them contacting the lady I met today. She has agreed to let me go to a session with her, and be there as someone with personal knowledge and sympathy.

I took photography in HS but have never done anything with it, and even though I am not on the caliber of a lot of those with personal studios...this I think I can do. To tell you the truth, I wouldnt be at all disappointed if its the only reason I used my picture taking skills. What is the wierdest thing though, is that since coming back home Ive had this amazing since of peace and calm wash over me.

I have an odd feeling this is the beginning of something wonderful in my life. I can feel the grey clouds parting and the sun beginning to shine through.

Seven months

2009-03-21T01:05:00.001-04:00

Hard to believe its been seven months already. Part of me is doing really really good, and sometimes the other part comes out and i just cry and cry all day. I officially stopped pumping on Sunday night, luckily i had only been pumping twice a day for the week prior and once a day the last week before I stopped. My breasts didnt really start missing being used until about Wednesday afternoon, but it has been ok physically.

I made the down payment on my reborn doll with the tax return last month. The woman doing her has just started painting the skin this week. Im super excited to get some pics soon! Im also going to have a 30 minute session with a medium/psychic on April 2nd. Can't wait for that!

More pain in my future

2009-02-16T01:28:00.002-05:00

I have been dreading this day, and have been crying on... more than off all night. I know am going to have to feel and face the things i was able to prolong by pumping. Like the way the my full breasts made me feel like I was a new Mommy, even though I had no baby to show for it. Im afraid of how much more my hurt can hurt, and if this will be healthy for me mentally. Pumping for that precious boy is all that made me get out of bed every morning.

Well, its not how I wanted it to end, but it seems my recipient Mom is done with me sooner than expected and without warning. (Another topic in and of itself) Now I need to figure out how to slowly stop pumping milk to where it wont damage me too much physically, and emotionally. I guess in some way it's a Godsend, cause last week I was going to post about how I felt a bit like a traitor, with my hands always smelling of breastmilk and baby lotion. I probably even smelled like I had a baby at home...

Please pray for gentle days ahead. This isnt going to be easy.

The Journey

2009-01-28T19:32:00.004-05:00

Yeah it's been ages since I posted, told ya I was that lazy. However I was inspired by an uplifting article that has a great explanation of grief and how we travel through it. It not only will make me think of grief this way from now on, but I hope it helps my family and friends understand my grief better too.

The Journey by Mindy Wilsford

Before we go through a loss like this, we assume that grief is like falling into a deep hole. We think we will start climbing a ladder and as we get closer to the top things start getting brighter and brighter and we keep feeling better and better until we finally step out into the sunshine where the birds are singing and beautiful music is playing and our grief is over and we are then officially "over it".

Instead, I have found it is like being plunked down into the middle of a mountain range. We start on the top, with the breathtaking view, when life is wonderful. We are just walking along, basking in the sun and the beautiful scenery when suddenly we fall off a cliff. Now we are lying in a deep, deep valley: bruised, confused, hurt, scared, and lonely. We soon realize that there is no easy way out, no rescue in sight. The only way out is to do it ourselves.

So we start working our way up the mountainside, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, and often stumbling. It is very hard, very discouraging, and very exhausting work. Finally we reach the top and see the sun again for a while. Maybe the top will be flat and we'll get to spend a little time up there enjoying it, or maybe it is very steep and as soon as we get there we have to start back down the other side into the next valley again.

The one thing we notice is that there are mountains as far as the eye can see. Somehow, we have to make our way through them if we are ever to get out. That thought can be overwhelming and cause us to give up for a while. But eventually we realize once again that the only way out is to keep going, so we start again: down one mountain and up the next. And sometimes on the journey, after a particularly hard stretch, we think, "I'm so glad I finally made it through that." And then we stop and look around and realize that we've been here before! All this work and we've gone in a circle and we're going to have to do it all again!

And sometimes as we are climbing, we look up to see if we are getting any closer to the top, and we see a boulder heading our way. If we are fortunate, we manage to avoid it. But usually we can't, and it hits us head on and sends us tumbling back down to the bottom. Sometimes when we are in the deepest part of the valley, we just sit, exhausted. And we might notice some things around us that we never saw before: flowers and animals and a gentle breeze in the cool of the valley. There is a world down in the valley that we never even knew existed, and there is beauty in it.

And sometimes at night, when all is quiet, we can hear the others who are in the valley weeping. And it is then that we realize that we are not alone, that others are making this journey too. And we realize that we share an understanding of the journey and of the world of the valley that most others don't. And it gives us strength to start the climb all over again.

Sometimes as we are climbing the mountain, a helicopter may come by with some of our friends in it. Seeing us struggling up the mountain, they shout encouraging things like, "I know just what you're going through; I went on a hike once." And "At least you have your other kids to make this climb so much easier" and "You are so strong; I know I couldn't make this climb." Or they ask, "When will you finally get over these mountains and be yourself again?"

And we try to tell them about the journey and the world of the valley, but the sound of the helicopter drowns us out and they can't hear us. They throw down some food to give us energy, and it does, but some of it just pelts us on the head and makes the climb even harder. And then they leave, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we can get back to our climb in peace.

As we make this journey, we start to notice that we are becoming a little bit stronger. When we get to the rough patches we now see that we are shaken but don't always fall. We find that sometimes we can walk upright now, instead of just crawling. And sometimes we can see a rough spot ahead and manage to find a better way around it. And once in a while we crest a mountain and see that the top is very flat and very beautiful, and we get to spend quite a while resting and recovering on the top before starting down again. And we notice that we are getting closer to the edge of the mountains; they seem to be getting a little smaller. The mountains are not as tall, and the valleys are not as low or as wide. In fact, we can now see the foothills, and it gives us hope.

And throughout this journey, we see the others who are traveling it as well, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes up close. And we encourage each other to keep going and to watch out for certain things. We talk about the journey and the world of the valley. Finally, someone else who understands! And we cry together when it is just too hard. And sometimes, we catch a glimpse of someone who has made it to the foothills. And we are so excited for them, and we become even more determined to keep going because someday, we too, will make it to the foothills.

So my point is this: everyone starts on a different mountain. No two journeys are the same. Some people spend a lot of time in the valley at first, and some have more time on top of the mountain. But we will all be both on the mountains and in the valleys. And we will all someday make it to the foothills. I promise.

Blech

2008-12-27T23:26:00.002-05:00

Its just been a really bad week. Emotional breakdowns, sad holidays, and low milk supply. I think the milk is partially due to my cold Ive been fighting for a week, and the fact that my good double pump has broken. I am forced to use my old single Evenflo which just isnt cutting it. Im lucky to get 3-4 oz a day!! When not 2 weeks ago I was getting anywhere from 6-9.

I thought about stopping, but that was the night of the emotional breakdown. I realy needed to talk to V to see what she had to say, or maybe even give me the strength to make the decision and get me thru it. I know it's mine alone to make, but the baby is what keeps me going and who is dependent on my liquid gold. She is so much a stronger person than she believes she is i think. V has overcome so much and I'd love to have her to lean on whenever either I, we, or my breasts decide it's over.

But for now I am going gung-ho and am bound and determined to do my best to get my milk back up to what it was. Ive got some new herbs, eating my oatmeal, and will be back on my lactation meds in less than 2 weeks! Please call me Mama!!

Wishing the rest of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

One of the more emotional days

2008-12-15T18:43:00.008-05:00

I have been pretty sick the last couple days and because of the party Saturday, my pumping had just been poor. I felt real guilty about it yesterday, seeing as I am pumping to feed another woman's baby. I am also out of lactation meds and what Ive been trying to do just isn't cutting it. All things considered, I have kept my supply at least twice as long as I expected. I think this just might finally be it for me. I just hope V will understand and some day pick up the phone so I can have a good cry with her and talk to her.

Jas and I also decided that today would be the day we would move some of Elora's ashes into Charlies keepsake necklace, the sterling silver cross shaped box I got for her memory box, and into the baby bear we keep on the bed. Once I get around to cleaning out the huge living room fish tank and move the schooling fish out of our room, we plan to move the memory box to our room and out of the bassinet.

Gonna be lots more tears to come I just know it. Pray for strength to get me thru this evening...

Updated--I decided it was not right to just throw away the paper we used to make a funnel and the biodegradable spoon we used to scoop her ashes. I burned the paper at the base of the magnolia tree and buried the spoon under our rose bush in the garden.

Christmas spirit sigh

2008-11-30T18:59:00.004-05:00

I have been trying my best to get into the spirit of the holidays. Jas and I decided to go to the squadron party this year. We haven't been to one since 2004 in Germany. I even got a brand new dress ( I couldn't afford), new shoes, and a new shirt for Jas. He has a suit but his only dress shirt is khaki in color. I figured he needed something a bit more festive.

Here is a pic of the dress on the rack, but I will update with hopefully rockin pics from that night! I am not so photogenic, so we'll see.

Elora's Urn

2008-11-21T19:22:00.010-05:00

Well we finally decided on an urn for our baby girl. Unfortunatly, it's a tad expensive and the persn I want to buy it from won't allow me to send him payments for it. So I thought Id take a chance and add a donation button to my blog and see if I can get some help with this. I mean after all I didn't get a baby shower, or anything off my registry. I figure it can't hurt to ask for a little help in my time of grief. All I want is to finally put my baby girl to rest. She has spent the last 3 months in a tiny white plastic box, and it's killing me.

I want to extend a warm and heartfelt thank you to those who do decide to help us out! You will not be forgotten. Just click the angel wings on the left.

You think I did not give birth?

2008-11-21T16:23:00.007-05:00

I ran across this while looking up something else and wanted to share it. I do hope that North Carolina will pass the MISSing Angels bill soon. Watch the video below for touching insight to parents needing this bill passed in all 50 states.

By Kara L.C. Jones
KotaPress Editor

Let me tell you something: Abortion is Completely Different from Stillbirth

Gawd, I swear this American culture is the most Ack-basswards culture on the planet. Abortion is completely and totally different from stillbirth. They have absolutely nothing in common and the experiences do not compare at all -- except possibly in the expression of grief afterward if anyone cares to admit there is resultant grief after abortion. But in our idiotic American culture no one seems to get that the process of birthing a stillborn child is NOT like scheduling an appointment for an abortion!! Seems that unless a person has actually pushed a stillborn child out of her own vagina or witnessed a partner do it, then people just think, "Oh well, a fetus is a fetus." ARG!

When a woman CHOOSES to have an abortion, she DECIDES to not have the "fetus". She makes an appointment, pays her fees, goes to the clinic at the designated time, and the "procedure" is done. She goes home and our world pretends all her problems are now solved. Though I would argue that some women and couples need counseling support after the abortion, but okay, that's another story. In the meantime, they CHOSE to have that PROCEDURE done.

When a woman has a STILLBORN CHILD, she DID NOT DECIDE to have a dead child. She was pregnant. She wanted a CHILD. She planned a nursery, had a baby shower, got her kid on a playgroup waiting list, was fussed over out in public, shared months and months of experience with her partner. She wanted her child to be born alive. ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She did not choose to have a dead child! And, let me tell you something else: she freaking GAVE BIRTH!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever been with a woman who is having a stillborn??? She gives birth. She has labor pains. She screams. She has dilation. She pushes. She has an emergency c-section. She births out the placenta, cord, and dead child.

Oh, right, but you're gonna tell me that she didn't give birth. Well guess what, even women who miscarry at 21 weeks -- guess what?? They go into LABOR -- they push out fully formed bodies of their children, cords, and placenta. And in fact if they birth all that at home during the miscarriage, they are asked to save it all and bring it to the hospital!!! Do you think that family brings that child, cord, and placenta to the hospital in a garbage bag?? Do you think they feel like they are just taking refuse to the dump when they do this?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THEY ARE TRANSPORTING THEIR DEAD CHILD WHO THEY WANTED AND PLANNED FOR TO THE GODD*MNED HOSPITAL!

Oh, right, but you're gonna tell me that she didn't give birth and so why should any women like her get birth certificates? Why should any of us be treated as parents? And when your mother dies, guess what? I'm going to stop acknowledging you as her child, because come on now, she's dead. Why should you still have status as someone's child?

Grow up, people. Look at the rest of the world. Australia, in particular, where they are very clear that abortion is a completely different thing than stillbirth. It isn't that hard. We just need all you feminists to step up to the plate now. AND YES I AM TOO A FEMINIST! I marched for choice. That meant CHOICE FOR US ALL! You get to choose your abortion. I get to choose to have my child. If my child happens to be stillborn, then I should get the choice to have my birthing process, labor, and/or c-section recognized. I did not march for your choice alone. I marched for EVERYONE'S CHOICES! Come on, now, it's time you stepped up for me, too.

RIP Lestat

2008-11-14T21:17:00.007-05:00

Sorry to see you go big guy... I know your now feeling much better and can run and play like you used to. I'm sure Winky is glad to finally see you! We will miss you very much and love you even more for the rest of our lives.

My new baby

2008-11-13T16:09:00.011-05:00

I have also decided to get a reborn doll. Which is a doll made to look like a real baby. Lots of women just collect them, use them to recapture their grown children/grand children, or like me use them to hold their baby longer than they got to. I've heard that some of the more realistic ones have even triggered the chemical let down reflex in lactating Mommys. Which was my initial reason for wanting one in the first place. So far all I have managed to create for this purpose is a little outfit I sewed the arms and legs shut on and filled with poly beads. Not sure it has helped me let down, but I like the weight of it when I do carry it from the bedroom to the living room, and have it snuggled next to me in bed. (Insert crazy woman joke here and possibly look up the number for the psychiatrist)

Here are a few examples of the womans work I've decided to purchase from. What floored me was the skin detail, its also what won me over as far as a buyer.

To check out her other babies go check out her nursery.
Starlight Starbright Nursery

Busy work

2008-11-13T15:39:00.006-05:00

Well I volunteered to make a website and a forum for the Agape support group I have been going to on base. It's my thing, and it gives me something to do besides play WoW. I'd love to post the link here, but I'm afraid of future confidentiality once the board is up and running. Someone who is reading this months or possibly years later, would then be linked to it well after it's been posted on etc.

I have so many things to catch up on here I may just have one giant post today instead of 3 or 4....I dont know I havent decided yet.

What i didnt get fired up about yet, is the fact that I lost the dress on eBay and when I tried to kindly ask the woman who won it if I could have it, she essentially told me to fuck off. So then I found another one similar to it, that I had seen at Sears last weekend. Managed to miss the closing and the first and only bidder won it as well for only eight dollars! Looks like I'm going to Sears tomorrow to buy my baby the Christmas dress she'll never get to wear.

MMM pizza

2008-11-10T19:50:00.007-05:00

Real homemade pizza...
While Roman and I were at the store today we found some seasoned mozzarella. It was marinating in Olive oil and red pepper pieces and garlic. I've never once made pizza with whole slices of mozzarella like they do on TV, so I thought I'd give it a try. Mine is still cooling as I write this, but the guys said they LOVED theirs!! I have some before and after pics, cause i just have to brag.

MMM I can't wait to eat it!!

I like this safe spot

2008-11-09T22:41:00.003-05:00

As I was reading on my MISS forums over the weekend, I read another post about some sort of anniversary or date that reminded someone of something. Nothing new really, except I realized I wasn't at any of those things yet. So far all I had was the day Friday, and the date the 15th of the last 2 months. It also made me realize that that made me a little different or special, as I was still in this "safe zone" that pre-empted any other dates to remember and be sad about.

I'm still before the date of my last period last year.
I'm still before those days of implantation cramps the week befre Christmas.
I'm still before the day I found out I was pregnant.
I'm still before the month of constant morning sickness.
I'm still before the day of my appendix operation, where we saw our baby bean at 19 weeks for the first time.
I'm still before my trip home to show off my pregnant belly in May.
I'm still before the sonogram when we found out she was a girl.
I'm still before the last summer I spent with Charlie before he is all grown up.
I'm still before August 12th where life ws still carefree and I was completely clueless...

Does anyone know how to stop time?

OMG OMG OMG

2008-11-05T00:51:00.005-05:00

Yay!! My friend has gotten in touch with me, and now I feel like such an ass. Im glad everything is ok and now feel as if I overreacted. I need to learn not to be so worried and needy. At least I can smile now and quit stressing so much. I guess though that I wouldnt have been so bent out of shape if I didnt really want to keep her as a friend.

I'm sorry V...I promise not to freak out again.

Lotsa love!!

Older new friend

2008-11-03T01:39:00.005-05:00

Well I dont know what Ive done, but im a little sad and worried as to why my other new friend hasnt written or called me. Ive already gone beyond stalker-like with my phone calls and im not going to beg someone to talk to me. I dont think she has even checked my blog out in days either, which I thought was becomming pretty regular.

Im close to tears actually. Just when I got used to having her be a regular part of my day, something to look forward to...Im not sad because its been 3 days. Im just upset because I miss her and I thought she was missing me too, cause if she was she'd call.

Here's hoping she reads this...

Found the dress

2008-11-02T12:26:00.006-05:00

I found the dress I wanted to buy last week online, but the store where I found it was sold out of the 6 months size. So I began searching the Internet for other dresses from the same company hoping to find it elsewhere...no luck. I did however find out they sell that brand at Sears, but found nothing I liked, at least at Sears online. After searching on eBay about 10 times and a trip to Sears yesterday, I had found another one Id settle for.

However, today I went to eBay again, and was most pleased to find the original dress for sale!! I'm watching the auction now and hope I can get it for not too much. Right now its at eight dollars!

New friend

2008-10-31T15:30:00.007-04:00

While baby sitting today for Lanee, I met a girl who was there at the play place with her 3 little girls. Before we started talking she moved to a chair in the corner and began to breastfeed her little one. I was so glad to see someone not ashamed or afraid to do so in public!! Good for you!

After a few bits of talk we discovered a lot of similar interests, we are even both on the same Yahoo group. I eventually told her about Elora and I found out her baby girl is only 10 days older. I got to hold her for about 15 minutes and it was the best feeling ever!

We exchanged phone numbers and MySpace info and plan to get together again this weekend or next week when i have the kids again. I love making new friends and it seems I may have found one. :)

Not so good actually...

2008-10-30T11:24:00.004-04:00

Ok now Im crying my eyes out... I went to go check out the MISS forums because I havent in a few days. For some reason the simplest of posts has just hit me to the core. Not necisarily because Im sad I think, but because Im relieved. It'll be so much easier to post the words here than try to reexplain it all.

Post from the MISS forums:

Keely is buried with a blue stuffed angel; that is how sure I was that she was a boy. We didn't know the sex until birth for sure because I didn't believe the ultrasound tech. After she was born, the hospital gave us the most delicate little pink dress that she wore for photos and was later buried in. They also gave us a tiny pink robe she wore and we now display framed. They are perfect and gorgeous; just right for her. But I never got to shop for the little girl I never thought I'd have.
Shortly after her days, my mom asked if I'd like to buy a dress for her memory trunk but I couldn't face the stores. The lights were too bright, the songs too sad (does "Tears in Heaven" play on repeat in Macy's?) and I couldn't risk seeing some little girl take home the same dress mine would never get the chance to wear.
These thoughts have followed me through 18 months until Sam and I decided the time was right. We searched until we found Keely's dress; the only one I'll ever get to choose for her and it is brilliant. It is the dress of an angel.

Here is what I replied:

I think seeing this post has made me decide it wouldnt be too crazy to go ahead and buy Elora the Christmas dress I didnt think Id get to. Having 2 sons and a stepson, it was definatly one of the things I was looking forward to this holiday season. Im just crying my eyes out as I type this, yet Im not sure why. Relief maybe, at knowing its ok...that Im not the only one thinking of buying things for baby who will not use them.Thank you

So maybe my day isnt going to be as carefree and easy as I wanted it to be.

Agape Meeting

2008-10-30T10:59:00.004-04:00

Well the meeting Tuesday was wonderful! So many different stories, but all the same grief. I found out about anther one for people who have had a loss and are ttc. Going to carve Eloras pumpkin sometime today I hope I dont mess it up LOL. Gonna take pics of course :)

New adventure tonight

2008-10-28T15:01:00.003-04:00

Well I failed at the one on one grief counseling. I thought it was something I wanted as opposed to a group of strangers all trying to relate to each others pain. I just wasn't feeling it yet I guess, as much as I thought that was what I wanted or needed. Now though I kinda wish I was still talking to her.

After silently belonging to the forums at the MISS foundation though, I have discovered I enjoy hearing I'm not the only one sitting in this pit of grief. As much as the others try to reach out and comfort each other, or those of us new on this journey; it just seems a bit lacking with a monitor or other piece of hardware kind of ruining the mood.

That's when I decided I think I might like having someone like that near me, or close enough that I can call and meet. I think of that person like an AA sponsor in some respects. Someone I can get to know and have them come running over at anytime of the day or night if i just need a hug. Now I do have my husband and he has been a rock through all of this, saying he needs to be that for me. He has a job though, sleeps during the day, and will not be here next spring when he is deployed. So if anything, now is the time to get my feet wet and find this "someone" I might need.

Tonight is going to be my first meeting of the AGAPE group on base, a place for parents grieving the loss of an infant, or pregnancy loss. They were the ones who sponsored the walk I went on on the 15th. I'm hoping this doesn't end up being to religion based. I'm not even sure Ill share tonight, but I always overshare and can't imagine me not getting excited, waiting to let them hear about my baby girl! In fact Ive managed to tell the important notes of her story so fast and without much emotion, so that the few minutes you might interact with a customer service person, or random group of players in WoW, or even the FedEx man they can know what I'm going thru. Sad huh?

This will probably one of the few times I feel the need to write more than once a day, but I'm anxious waiting to get ready and go. And I'm sure there will be much I need to say when I get back. I don't really expect many to read this, as it's supposed to be for my own well being and a coping mechanism, yet I write as if there is already an audience. (not that I necessarily want one either) Guess that's why blogging for some can be like writing "Dear Diary," cause that little pink book doesn't hear either, nor have an opinion, yet we write as if to a best friend.

I'm rambling now...until tonight...

My front yard

2008-10-25T12:56:00.009-04:00

Well I was going to post how I decorated for Halloween this year. Not tha Im totally in the mood for the holidays, but its also something thats busy work and takes my thoughts elsewhere for a little while. Once I get mySpace to cooperate and have my pics show up in a slideshow Im going to stick them in here.

*******************************************************
NVM I just made it into a windows movie HEHE

Roman decided he wanted to make one with my pics too. Im ashamed to say I think his is better than mine...whatever watch both and enjoy!

Page changes

2008-10-24T14:55:00.003-04:00

Not much going on today... I played around with the page and added a guestbook. This week was crazy, stupid FedEx doesnt seem to know what the word overnight means *sigh* I've had a pretty good week grief-wise, no major breakdowns, lit my Sunday candle. So I've managed to stay out of the pit of darkness and stay in the light of the love of my family and friends. One of my new friends is fast becoming a place I like to count on and lean on. She know who she is...

Just another day?

2008-10-16T17:40:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and it’s also the day Elora would have turned 2 months old. I lit a candle in remembrance of my baby. I wanted to share this with you, but I did figure a few people would not be overly impressed with this “DAY” since there seems to be a “day” for just about everything now.

This got me thinking about our vast array of “National Holidays” we can choose to celebrate. Talk Like a Pirate Day is one of my favorites. Not because I actually talk like a pirate on that day, but just out of sheer fascination that someone not only thought it up in the first place, but got enough other people interested that it’s become a “day.” Ever heard of What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day? What exactly are we supposed to do on that day? Just sit around wondering what kinds of mischief our pets would get into if they did in fact have opposable thumbs? I’ll tell you what the cats would do. They’d leave. Most of them don’t like us that much to begin with. A thumb would come in very handy on the front door. I’m sure the dog would be more than happy to give them a boost.

So I’m sitting thinking of all these goofy, meaningless days, and wondering why people have heard of things like National Go Barefoot Day, but they have not heard of the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Or why so many people would be much more comfortable with me talking about VCR Day, than they are with me talking about a day in remembrance of my precious baby who died. To tell you the truth, it’s enough to make me wish it was the International Moment of Frustration Scream Day. Too bad I missed that one three days ago.

But really, folks, let’s get serious. Horrible as it is, children and babies die way more often than anyone wants to think or talk about. But being forced into silence leaves those of us who are grieving feeling very much alone. Is it any wonder we cling to each other when those who are supposed to love us spend more time running away or chastising us than they do trying to really care or help?

I would like to ask those of you who know someone who has lost a child to please, please, just call them up or send them an email and say you are thinking of them. Tell them you are remembering their child, and use the child’s name. Would you like it if we referred to your kids as “him” or “her” or “the baby” all the time? They have names. We love to hear them used. Please reach out to those you know are hurting. We know you are uncomfortable. We understand. If you don’t know what to say, a hug or a sincere “I am here for you” would be fine. Just saying we are in your thoughts is a very nice thing to hear. Saying our child is in your thoughts is even nicer.

Make a Difference Day is coming up soon. I suggest you start making a difference right now, by showing some of the love we know is in your hearts. Love not shown might as well not even be there at all. We need your love, more than you can possibly know. You cannot fathom the depth of this pain, and we wouldn’t want you to. We just ask that you be here for us as we try to live through it.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

2008-10-15T10:35:00.004-04:00

On October 15, at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies that have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. http://firstcandle.org/awareness/october15.html If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering.

Emotional today in more ways than one

2008-10-13T22:06:00.007-04:00

I know this is a bad place to start a blog. Like opening a book to the middle of the story and just trying to figure out whats going on. But thats not really my problem I guess...

Well right as I was thru getting the stacks of newspaper I needed to pack around the cooler of breastmilk I shipped to Victoria today, I got an email alert saying that the request to have Eloras name put in the sand was finished and posted. It made me smile at first really, but then the tears started to come quietly down my face. I think because i knew the pics I had seen before reminded me of heaven, and I think mostly they were happy tears. I knew how beautiful the pic was going to be and I couldnt wait to see it. But by the time the crying became hard enough that I had to catch my breath, I was sad again and missing my baby terribly.

So anyway, I got home and packed up my precious milk, and waited for the FedEx man to arrive. All was going great until i realized how bittersweet it was to finally have it going to a great home and into the mouth of a precious baby. I mentioned to the guy it was a happy and sad thing happening at the same time. When he asked why, it was the first time in about 3 weeks I could barely talk to say that same old sentence "because my daughter was stillborn 8 weeks ago" I feel as if Ive said it so many time noow its gotten easier to say. Which helps a little, cause then my voice doesnt crack and strangers behind whatever counter, don't think ive gone crazy.

So now here it is 10:30 and I have a small headache, Im chatting with Victoria, and have tears attempting to escape. I just seem to be a ball of emotions for some reason right this minute. I feel drained too... I think its time to go.

First entry...second try at blogging

2008-10-13T15:47:00.003-04:00

Well here we go again. Maybe I will actually write in this one. Now that life has changed so drastically, and I need an outlet.... You will forgive any grammer errors please. Just check back once in a while or even subscribe, then you'll know when I add something.

Missing and loving my baby girl always...