Remembering Babies this Memorial Day

A lot of the Moms on the MISS foundation forums have their babies buried in a cemetery. While we chose to have Elora cremated, so we could have her with us even if we have to PCS; it's one type of routine we won't ever have, of going to her gravesite to visit her. I do often hear though, from some of these other Moms, that sometimes they will clean around a headstone of a nearby baby if it seems no one has been around lately.

Some have even left flowers or little gifts for others when they are there for special celebrations or visitations of their own little ones! Many have also stated, that should it be done for them, it would be wonderful to know someone else is thinking about them and how we're all in this same boat together. That being said, I was inspired by these Mommies to do something like that here in town.

The funeral home where we had Eloras service, owns a cemetery here in Spring Lake. I found out that they have a special section just for babies! I think I am going to buy a whole bucket full of carnations on Memorial Day and place one on as many babies headstones as I can find. One Mama even decided to "adopt" a stone of a baby or two who has been gone for more than 50 years. No one is probably around anymore to place flowers or keep the weeds away. I think that sounds like something else I could do to fill this empty time I find myself with. Time that I should be chasing down a 9 month old instead.

I will take my camera and see if I can find one special baby who needs some attention. Maybe Elora will even point me in the right direction!

Myth of Silence

Myth of Silence
by Rob Steiner

The modern image of a man has certainly evolved from our culture. More and more we have seen an enigma on how a ‘man’ is supposed to behave. Long gone is the image of yesteryears of man off to work and wife stays at home tending to household duties and mothering the children. Fatherhood seemed to be somewhat more of a hat or a role that men put on. Children approached dad as they would approach a boss or manager. Social rules were more defined, clear cut; it was well known how children were to behave around parents, how women were to behave in front of men and in retrospect how men behave towards women and children.



Over the years, we have literally seen an evolution, a shifting of social expectations between men and women. More women have gone out into the work force and became co-workers with fellow men. We have seen more men participating and being active in the home. However, there is still a paradigm that has not followed the tide as closely, despite the age of information that has been passed down. There is a stereotype that plagues men despite our modernization. To this very day, tears are still considered a sign of weakness. Still prevalent is the myth of the ‘strong silent type’. Media continues to show successful, masculine, virile heroes as anyone who is able to face any situation head on with either rational or excessive violent passion. All we need to consider are past blockbusters as the Rambo and Rocky series, the popular Schwarzenegger films, Braveheart and more recently 300. However, submitting to such a stereotype may also cause conflict, not only within us, but with our significant other.



When grieving the loss of your child, it is natural for men to want to “keep it together” for the sake of our partner. And that is certainly a plausible cause. However, grief is patient, and if left unattended, will rear her embrace soon enough. In fact, it is reported that the average man usually experiences the severe pangs of grief 6 months after the initial event. This is partly due to our setting aside our own feelings to take care and protect the mother of our bereaved child/ren. This is okay, as we are instinctively hardwired to protect our family in such a manner. But heed the warning: do not ignore the grief. In fact, I would encourage embracing it as quickly as possible.



To accept your loss is not about trying to block it out of your mind. Instead, it has to do with realizing the loss will change your world, and that you’re still meant to have a whole and healthy life in this new and different world. It is just that the new world is composed of a new “normal”, one without your little one(s). You can identify all your losses in your brain, but true grieving requires you to use your heart.

To be silent may be golden, but to stay silent may be costly. Love’s natural tendency is to flow outwardly with expressions such as smiles, kisses, touch and comfort. Grief is also one that has a natural nature, one of sorrow, loneliness and isolation. But the healing process is the giving a voice to and crying through sorrow and pain. A man needn’t feel ashamed of the tears shed, for every tear that I have shed for the loss of our little girl was the result of my love for our little Zoe. What father doesn’t share a special place for his daughter? A tear shed before your partner serves to confirm that she is not alone in her grief and sorrow. It also demonstrates that this is just not a bad dream to awaken from, but a reality that you are willing to walk through with her.



Indeed, a man’s courage and strength is not measured by how strong and silent he remains, but his strength is measured by the compassion and tears he is able to share.



The shortest verse found in the Bible is located in John 11 verse 35 where only two words are written, “Jesus wept”. Whether you believe that He is real or fiction is immaterial, the fact is that entire civilizations, laws, and moral compasses and teachings were formed based on this man. Certainly, if he was able to shed a tear, I can to.



Written with love in memory of Zoe Reta Mary Steiner, born with angel wings on August 4, 2006. Rob is one of our new volunteers. If you would like to correspond with him about father's grief, you may email him at rsedmonton@shaw.ca

So I had a session with a medium

Well I think the reading went well...but now Im second guessing a few things I said. I thought i was being careful, I made a point to ask generic questions, or so i thought.

Anyway, Renee did have both my grandmothers there as well as the baby. Asked if something was wrong with her heart...I think thats maybe her sign she got for the fact that Eloras cord had a blood clot or the fact that it was during labor is when we found out there was no heartbeat. Because she also said that Elora was perfectly healthy in every way. The grandmother whose name we gave her, said she was beyond proud that we used it! That she never thought she was special enough to be honored like that.

I did ask about her eyes and hair since I wont get to see for myself, and she has my blue eyes and blonde hair. The baby is around us and I was right to assume the little white butterfly I kept seeing in the yard a couple weeks ago, was her. As far as getting pregnant again, she said don't be surprised if it does happen. She did see another one waitng in line to come to us. I dont think it'll be soon, cause she said just to relax and keep doing what Im doing. I dont need to do IVF or anything like that.

Im looking forward to another reading soon. Fifteen minutes just isnt long enough, and I forgot a couple questions anyway.

The Destination

There is NOT ever a destination that you get to with grief. If you are trying to get over it, you are setting yourself up and will never get to that destination.
...there is no magic place when you wake up and say "Whew, I'm glad that's over".

A great bit of wise words from someone on the grief boards.

New sense of direction

There was a woman on the MISS foundation board that contacted a NILMDTS photographer in their area, and got me to thinking. So I followed their lead and did the same thing the other day. Well today I met a lady who has been with the organization for almost 2 years, but Womack didn't know it existed. It took a couple who had already done research and known about NILMDTS, to tell the nursing staff, which led to them contacting the lady I met today. She has agreed to let me go to a session with her, and be there as someone with personal knowledge and sympathy.

I took photography in HS but have never done anything with it, and even though I am not on the caliber of a lot of those with personal studios...this I think I can do. To tell you the truth, I wouldnt be at all disappointed if its the only reason I used my picture taking skills. What is the wierdest thing though, is that since coming back home Ive had this amazing since of peace and calm wash over me.

I have an odd feeling this is the beginning of something wonderful in my life. I can feel the grey clouds parting and the sun beginning to shine through.

Seven months

Hard to believe its been seven months already. Part of me is doing really really good, and sometimes the other part comes out and i just cry and cry all day. I officially stopped pumping on Sunday night, luckily i had only been pumping twice a day for the week prior and once a day the last week before I stopped. My breasts didnt really start missing being used until about Wednesday afternoon, but it has been ok physically.

I made the down payment on my reborn doll with the tax return last month. The woman doing her has just started painting the skin this week. Im super excited to get some pics soon! Im also going to have a 30 minute session with a medium/psychic on April 2nd. Can't wait for that!

The Journey

Yeah it's been ages since I posted, told ya I was that lazy. However I was inspired by an uplifting article that has a great explanation of grief and how we travel through it. It not only will make me think of grief this way from now on, but I hope it helps my family and friends understand my grief better too.


The Journey by Mindy Wilsford

Before we go through a loss like this, we assume that grief is like falling into a deep hole. We think we will start climbing a ladder and as we get closer to the top things start getting brighter and brighter and we keep feeling better and better until we finally step out into the sunshine where the birds are singing and beautiful music is playing and our grief is over and we are then officially "over it".

Instead, I have found it is like being plunked down into the middle of a mountain range. We start on the top, with the breathtaking view, when life is wonderful. We are just walking along, basking in the sun and the beautiful scenery when suddenly we fall off a cliff. Now we are lying in a deep, deep valley: bruised, confused, hurt, scared, and lonely. We soon realize that there is no easy way out, no rescue in sight. The only way out is to do it ourselves.

So we start working our way up the mountainside, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, and often stumbling. It is very hard, very discouraging, and very exhausting work. Finally we reach the top and see the sun again for a while. Maybe the top will be flat and we'll get to spend a little time up there enjoying it, or maybe it is very steep and as soon as we get there we have to start back down the other side into the next valley again.

The one thing we notice is that there are mountains as far as the eye can see. Somehow, we have to make our way through them if we are ever to get out. That thought can be overwhelming and cause us to give up for a while. But eventually we realize once again that the only way out is to keep going, so we start again: down one mountain and up the next. And sometimes on the journey, after a particularly hard stretch, we think, "I'm so glad I finally made it through that." And then we stop and look around and realize that we've been here before! All this work and we've gone in a circle and we're going to have to do it all again!

And sometimes as we are climbing, we look up to see if we are getting any closer to the top, and we see a boulder heading our way. If we are fortunate, we manage to avoid it. But usually we can't, and it hits us head on and sends us tumbling back down to the bottom. Sometimes when we are in the deepest part of the valley, we just sit, exhausted. And we might notice some things around us that we never saw before: flowers and animals and a gentle breeze in the cool of the valley. There is a world down in the valley that we never even knew existed, and there is beauty in it.

And sometimes at night, when all is quiet, we can hear the others who are in the valley weeping. And it is then that we realize that we are not alone, that others are making this journey too. And we realize that we share an understanding of the journey and of the world of the valley that most others don't. And it gives us strength to start the climb all over again.

Sometimes as we are climbing the mountain, a helicopter may come by with some of our friends in it. Seeing us struggling up the mountain, they shout encouraging things like, "I know just what you're going through; I went on a hike once." And "At least you have your other kids to make this climb so much easier" and "You are so strong; I know I couldn't make this climb." Or they ask, "When will you finally get over these mountains and be yourself again?"

And we try to tell them about the journey and the world of the valley, but the sound of the helicopter drowns us out and they can't hear us. They throw down some food to give us energy, and it does, but some of it just pelts us on the head and makes the climb even harder. And then they leave, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we can get back to our climb in peace.

As we make this journey, we start to notice that we are becoming a little bit stronger. When we get to the rough patches we now see that we are shaken but don't always fall. We find that sometimes we can walk upright now, instead of just crawling. And sometimes we can see a rough spot ahead and manage to find a better way around it. And once in a while we crest a mountain and see that the top is very flat and very beautiful, and we get to spend quite a while resting and recovering on the top before starting down again. And we notice that we are getting closer to the edge of the mountains; they seem to be getting a little smaller. The mountains are not as tall, and the valleys are not as low or as wide. In fact, we can now see the foothills, and it gives us hope.

And throughout this journey, we see the others who are traveling it as well, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes up close. And we encourage each other to keep going and to watch out for certain things. We talk about the journey and the world of the valley. Finally, someone else who understands! And we cry together when it is just too hard. And sometimes, we catch a glimpse of someone who has made it to the foothills. And we are so excited for them, and we become even more determined to keep going because someday, we too, will make it to the foothills.

So my point is this: everyone starts on a different mountain. No two journeys are the same. Some people spend a lot of time in the valley at first, and some have more time on top of the mountain. But we will all be both on the mountains and in the valleys. And we will all someday make it to the foothills. I promise.

Christmas spirit *sigh*

I have been trying my best to get into the spirit of the holidays. Jas and I decided to go to the squadron party this year. We haven't been to one since 2004 in Germany. I even got a brand new dress ( I couldn't afford), new shoes, and a new shirt for Jas. He has a suit but his only dress shirt is khaki in color. I figured he needed something a bit more festive.

Here is a pic of the dress on the rack, but I will update with hopefully rockin pics from that night! I am not so photogenic, so we'll see.

You think I did not give birth?

I ran across this while looking up something else and wanted to share it. I do hope that North Carolina will pass the MISSing Angels bill soon. Watch the video below for touching insight to parents needing this bill passed in all 50 states.


By Kara L.C. Jones
KotaPress Editor

Let me tell you something: Abortion is Completely Different from Stillbirth

Gawd, I swear this American culture is the most Ack-basswards culture on the planet. Abortion is completely and totally different from stillbirth. They have absolutely nothing in common and the experiences do not compare at all -- except possibly in the expression of grief afterward if anyone cares to admit there is resultant grief after abortion. But in our idiotic American culture no one seems to get that the process of birthing a stillborn child is NOT like scheduling an appointment for an abortion!! Seems that unless a person has actually pushed a stillborn child out of her own vagina or witnessed a partner do it, then people just think, "Oh well, a fetus is a fetus." ARG!

When a woman CHOOSES to have an abortion, she DECIDES to not have the "fetus". She makes an appointment, pays her fees, goes to the clinic at the designated time, and the "procedure" is done. She goes home and our world pretends all her problems are now solved. Though I would argue that some women and couples need counseling support after the abortion, but okay, that's another story. In the meantime, they CHOSE to have that PROCEDURE done.

When a woman has a STILLBORN CHILD, she DID NOT DECIDE to have a dead child. She was pregnant. She wanted a CHILD. She planned a nursery, had a baby shower, got her kid on a playgroup waiting list, was fussed over out in public, shared months and months of experience with her partner. She wanted her child to be born alive. ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She did not choose to have a dead child! And, let me tell you something else: she freaking GAVE BIRTH!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever been with a woman who is having a stillborn??? She gives birth. She has labor pains. She screams. She has dilation. She pushes. She has an emergency c-section. She births out the placenta, cord, and dead child.

Oh, right, but you're gonna tell me that she didn't give birth. Well guess what, even women who miscarry at 21 weeks -- guess what?? They go into LABOR -- they push out fully formed bodies of their children, cords, and placenta. And in fact if they birth all that at home during the miscarriage, they are asked to save it all and bring it to the hospital!!! Do you think that family brings that child, cord, and placenta to the hospital in a garbage bag?? Do you think they feel like they are just taking refuse to the dump when they do this?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THEY ARE TRANSPORTING THEIR DEAD CHILD WHO THEY WANTED AND PLANNED FOR TO THE GODD*MNED HOSPITAL!

Oh, right, but you're gonna tell me that she didn't give birth and so why should any women like her get birth certificates? Why should any of us be treated as parents? And when your mother dies, guess what? I'm going to stop acknowledging you as her child, because come on now, she's dead. Why should you still have status as someone's child?

Grow up, people. Look at the rest of the world. Australia, in particular, where they are very clear that abortion is a completely different thing than stillbirth. It isn't that hard. We just need all you feminists to step up to the plate now. AND YES I AM TOO A FEMINIST! I marched for choice. That meant CHOICE FOR US ALL! You get to choose your abortion. I get to choose to have my child. If my child happens to be stillborn, then I should get the choice to have my birthing process, labor, and/or c-section recognized. I did not march for your choice alone. I marched for EVERYONE'S CHOICES! Come on, now, it's time you stepped up for me, too.

Busy work

Well I volunteered to make a website and a forum for the Agape support group I have been going to on base. It's my thing, and it gives me something to do besides play WoW. I'd love to post the link here, but I'm afraid of future confidentiality once the board is up and running. Someone who is reading this months or possibly years later, would then be linked to it well after it's been posted on etc.



I have so many things to catch up on here I may just have one giant post today instead of 3 or 4....I dont know I havent decided yet.



What i didnt get fired up about yet, is the fact that I lost the dress on eBay and when I tried to kindly ask the woman who won it if I could have it, she essentially told me to fuck off. So then I found another one similar to it, that I had seen at Sears last weekend. Managed to miss the closing and the first and only bidder won it as well for only eight dollars! Looks like I'm going to Sears tomorrow to buy my baby the Christmas dress she'll never get to wear.

MMM pizza

Real homemade pizza...
While Roman and I were at the store today we found some seasoned mozzarella. It was marinating in Olive oil and red pepper pieces and garlic. I've never once made pizza with whole slices of mozzarella like they do on TV, so I thought I'd give it a try. Mine is still cooling as I write this, but the guys said they LOVED theirs!! I have some before and after pics, cause i just have to brag.

MMM I can't wait to eat it!!

OMG OMG OMG

Yay!! My friend has gotten in touch with me, and now I feel like such an ass. Im glad everything is ok and now feel as if I overreacted. I need to learn not to be so worried and needy. At least I can smile now and quit stressing so much. I guess though that I wouldnt have been so bent out of shape if I didnt really want to keep her as a friend.

I'm sorry V...I promise not to freak out again.

Lotsa love!!

Found the dress

I found the dress I wanted to buy last week online, but the store where I found it was sold out of the 6 months size. So I began searching the Internet for other dresses from the same company hoping to find it elsewhere...no luck. I did however find out they sell that brand at Sears, but found nothing I liked, at least at Sears online. After searching on eBay about 10 times and a trip to Sears yesterday, I had found another one Id settle for.

However, today I went to eBay again, and was most pleased to find the original dress for sale!! I'm watching the auction now and hope I can get it for not too much. Right now its at eight dollars!

Agape Meeting

Well the meeting Tuesday was wonderful! So many different stories, but all the same grief. I found out about anther one for people who have had a loss and are ttc. Going to carve Eloras pumpkin sometime today I hope I dont mess it up LOL. Gonna take pics of course :)

New adventure tonight

Well I failed at the one on one grief counseling. I thought it was something I wanted as opposed to a group of strangers all trying to relate to each others pain. I just wasn't feeling it yet I guess, as much as I thought that was what I wanted or needed. Now though I kinda wish I was still talking to her.

After silently belonging to the forums at the MISS foundation though, I have discovered I enjoy hearing I'm not the only one sitting in this pit of grief. As much as the others try to reach out and comfort each other, or those of us new on this journey; it just seems a bit lacking with a monitor or other piece of hardware kind of ruining the mood.

That's when I decided I think I might like having someone like that near me, or close enough that I can call and meet. I think of that person like an AA sponsor in some respects. Someone I can get to know and have them come running over at anytime of the day or night if i just need a hug. Now I do have my husband and he has been a rock through all of this, saying he needs to be that for me. He has a job though, sleeps during the day, and will not be here next spring when he is deployed. So if anything, now is the time to get my feet wet and find this "someone" I might need.

Tonight is going to be my first meeting of the AGAPE group on base, a place for parents grieving the loss of an infant, or pregnancy loss. They were the ones who sponsored the walk I went on on the 15th. I'm hoping this doesn't end up being to religion based. I'm not even sure Ill share tonight, but I always overshare and can't imagine me not getting excited, waiting to let them hear about my baby girl! In fact Ive managed to tell the important notes of her story so fast and without much emotion, so that the few minutes you might interact with a customer service person, or random group of players in WoW, or even the FedEx man they can know what I'm going thru. Sad huh?

This will probably one of the few times I feel the need to write more than once a day, but I'm anxious waiting to get ready and go. And I'm sure there will be much I need to say when I get back. I don't really expect many to read this, as it's supposed to be for my own well being and a coping mechanism, yet I write as if there is already an audience. (not that I necessarily want one either) Guess that's why blogging for some can be like writing "Dear Diary," cause that little pink book doesn't hear either, nor have an opinion, yet we write as if to a best friend.

I'm rambling now...until tonight...

My front yard

Well I was going to post how I decorated for Halloween this year. Not tha Im totally in the mood for the holidays, but its also something thats busy work and takes my thoughts elsewhere for a little while. Once I get mySpace to cooperate and have my pics show up in a slideshow Im going to stick them in here.

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NVM I just made it into a windows movie HEHE






Roman decided he wanted to make one with my pics too. Im ashamed to say I think his is better than mine...whatever watch both and enjoy!

Page changes

Not much going on today... I played around with the page and added a guestbook. This week was crazy, stupid FedEx doesnt seem to know what the word overnight means *sigh* I've had a pretty good week grief-wise, no major breakdowns, lit my Sunday candle. So I've managed to stay out of the pit of darkness and stay in the light of the love of my family and friends. One of my new friends is fast becoming a place I like to count on and lean on. She know who she is...

First entry...second try at blogging

Well here we go again. Maybe I will actually write in this one. Now that life has changed so drastically, and I need an outlet.... You will forgive any grammer errors please. Just check back once in a while or even subscribe, then you'll know when I add something.

Missing and loving my baby girl always...