Monday, August 16, 2010

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Please God, make them remember that today is a special birthday. Make them understand that the memories don't go away. Bless them with ears to hear and hearts that care. Enable them to listen while I share. Shelter them that they may never know my pain. Help them to know that my child's life was not in vain. To see beyond the words "I'm ok." Please God, just let one remember, today is a special birthday! ~Unknown

Friday, September 18, 2009 them or leave them

So my sister and my Mom have taken it upon themselves to let me know I should be done talking about Elora on any kind of regular basis anymore. A few of the better gems are:

From my sister
"you having a birthday party and even posting photos is very sad and disturbing..."
"I do not want my friends to see how disturbed you are..."
" in the present not the past."
"As for your group. They are dwelling in sorrow from what is sound like. It is a perpetual circle."

From my Mom
" should remove her from your messages, but definitely not from your heart."

The things from my sister were not a real shocker, she has expressed her distaste for how I have honored and grieved since last year. It seemed especially the pumping, wierded her out the most.
On the other side of the coin, I have made many new friends and have been invited into a family of angel mommies who understand me. Some of the words of support and wisdom they have given me, have helped pull me up when I feel like I'm falling into the pit.

"You keep remembering your princess angel baby. Keep doing what your doing. No one should ever downplay someones grief like that."
"We are here and know the pain you are going thru EVERY day and that you will miss you daughter EVERY day for the rest of your life."
"We need to worry about ourselves not other people."
"Noone can tell you how to feel, act, or live until they have walked in your shoes."
"Just because we are sad and grieving for a child that was taken from us too early, does not mean that we still arent living.. it just means that we need a little more support to get through the day."
"The loss of a child, or the grieving that goes with it is not an addiction, it's a process. There is no set length of time for that process, especially when that grief is over the loss of a child. And there is absoulty nothing unhealthy about it."
"It still amazes me how I can be in so much pain and still be alive, but I am. So I go on living for my family..."
"We arent "living for the dead", but we are letting them live through us. To me, that is the best that we have!"
"For those people who think we should get over it, I challenge them."

I could probably go thru the THOUSANDS of posts on MISS and find words like this in every other one! What's really sad is that I have found more comfort in the words and virtual arms of people, who were strangers a year ago...then the people I want it from, who are supposed to love me and be there unconditionally.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

What God is saying to me today

I know it's just a crazy Facebook App, but for some reason this hits the nail right on the head.

Kim got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that every little part of you is magical.

Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It's alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that's ...exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: ''I love you.''

It's like when I finally decide to go that rare church service cause I happen to be back home or something. The sermon is always what is going on in my life at the moment. I'm not nearly as religious as i used to be, but it's these times I pay attention to the most. Like God wanted to make sure I heard the message he had for me...and today I'm listening as well.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Been away a while

I know I haven't posted in quite a while, I think I have just been using Facebook as the quicker way to talk to everyone. I do have some news to report though! I finally got Eloras urn and it's all put on her memorial shelf

I also made my own cremation bracelet, as I was having so much trouble finding anything that I really liked.

I'm sure there is lots more, but I don't want to bog down this one post with all the shit I should have posted in the last month or so. Back soon with more updates...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Gentle Fathers Day wishes

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Remembering Babies this Memorial Day

A lot of the Moms on the MISS foundation forums have their babies buried in a cemetery. While we chose to have Elora cremated, so we could have her with us even if we have to PCS; it's one type of routine we won't ever have, of going to her gravesite to visit her. I do often hear though, from some of these other Moms, that sometimes they will clean around a headstone of a nearby baby if it seems no one has been around lately.

Some have even left flowers or little gifts for others when they are there for special celebrations or visitations of their own little ones! Many have also stated, that should it be done for them, it would be wonderful to know someone else is thinking about them and how we're all in this same boat together. That being said, I was inspired by these Mommies to do something like that here in town.

The funeral home where we had Eloras service, owns a cemetery here in Spring Lake. I found out that they have a special section just for babies! I think I am going to buy a whole bucket full of carnations on Memorial Day and place one on as many babies headstones as I can find. One Mama even decided to "adopt" a stone of a baby or two who has been gone for more than 50 years. No one is probably around anymore to place flowers or keep the weeds away. I think that sounds like something else I could do to fill this empty time I find myself with. Time that I should be chasing down a 9 month old instead.

I will take my camera and see if I can find one special baby who needs some attention. Maybe Elora will even point me in the right direction!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Myth of Silence

Myth of Silence
by Rob Steiner

The modern image of a man has certainly evolved from our culture. More and more we have seen an enigma on how a ‘man’ is supposed to behave. Long gone is the image of yesteryears of man off to work and wife stays at home tending to household duties and mothering the children. Fatherhood seemed to be somewhat more of a hat or a role that men put on. Children approached dad as they would approach a boss or manager. Social rules were more defined, clear cut; it was well known how children were to behave around parents, how women were to behave in front of men and in retrospect how men behave towards women and children.

Over the years, we have literally seen an evolution, a shifting of social expectations between men and women. More women have gone out into the work force and became co-workers with fellow men. We have seen more men participating and being active in the home. However, there is still a paradigm that has not followed the tide as closely, despite the age of information that has been passed down. There is a stereotype that plagues men despite our modernization. To this very day, tears are still considered a sign of weakness. Still prevalent is the myth of the ‘strong silent type’. Media continues to show successful, masculine, virile heroes as anyone who is able to face any situation head on with either rational or excessive violent passion. All we need to consider are past blockbusters as the Rambo and Rocky series, the popular Schwarzenegger films, Braveheart and more recently 300. However, submitting to such a stereotype may also cause conflict, not only within us, but with our significant other.

When grieving the loss of your child, it is natural for men to want to “keep it together” for the sake of our partner. And that is certainly a plausible cause. However, grief is patient, and if left unattended, will rear her embrace soon enough. In fact, it is reported that the average man usually experiences the severe pangs of grief 6 months after the initial event. This is partly due to our setting aside our own feelings to take care and protect the mother of our bereaved child/ren. This is okay, as we are instinctively hardwired to protect our family in such a manner. But heed the warning: do not ignore the grief. In fact, I would encourage embracing it as quickly as possible.

To accept your loss is not about trying to block it out of your mind. Instead, it has to do with realizing the loss will change your world, and that you’re still meant to have a whole and healthy life in this new and different world. It is just that the new world is composed of a new “normal”, one without your little one(s). You can identify all your losses in your brain, but true grieving requires you to use your heart.

To be silent may be golden, but to stay silent may be costly. Love’s natural tendency is to flow outwardly with expressions such as smiles, kisses, touch and comfort. Grief is also one that has a natural nature, one of sorrow, loneliness and isolation. But the healing process is the giving a voice to and crying through sorrow and pain. A man needn’t feel ashamed of the tears shed, for every tear that I have shed for the loss of our little girl was the result of my love for our little Zoe. What father doesn’t share a special place for his daughter? A tear shed before your partner serves to confirm that she is not alone in her grief and sorrow. It also demonstrates that this is just not a bad dream to awaken from, but a reality that you are willing to walk through with her.

Indeed, a man’s courage and strength is not measured by how strong and silent he remains, but his strength is measured by the compassion and tears he is able to share.

The shortest verse found in the Bible is located in John 11 verse 35 where only two words are written, “Jesus wept”. Whether you believe that He is real or fiction is immaterial, the fact is that entire civilizations, laws, and moral compasses and teachings were formed based on this man. Certainly, if he was able to shed a tear, I can to.

Written with love in memory of Zoe Reta Mary Steiner, born with angel wings on August 4, 2006. Rob is one of our new volunteers. If you would like to correspond with him about father's grief, you may email him at