Saturday, December 27, 2008


Its just been a really bad week. Emotional breakdowns, sad holidays, and low milk supply. I think the milk is partially due to my cold Ive been fighting for a week, and the fact that my good double pump has broken. I am forced to use my old single Evenflo which just isnt cutting it. Im lucky to get 3-4 oz a day!! When not 2 weeks ago I was getting anywhere from 6-9.

I thought about stopping, but that was the night of the emotional breakdown. I realy needed to talk to V to see what she had to say, or maybe even give me the strength to make the decision and get me thru it. I know it's mine alone to make, but the baby is what keeps me going and who is dependent on my liquid gold. She is so much a stronger person than she believes she is i think. V has overcome so much and I'd love to have her to lean on whenever either I, we, or my breasts decide it's over.

But for now I am going gung-ho and am bound and determined to do my best to get my milk back up to what it was. Ive got some new herbs, eating my oatmeal, and will be back on my lactation meds in less than 2 weeks! Please call me Mama!!

Wishing the rest of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Monday, December 15, 2008

One of the more emotional days

I have been pretty sick the last couple days and because of the party Saturday, my pumping had just been poor. I felt real guilty about it yesterday, seeing as I am pumping to feed another woman's baby. I am also out of lactation meds and what Ive been trying to do just isn't cutting it. All things considered, I have kept my supply at least twice as long as I expected. I think this just might finally be it for me. I just hope V will understand and some day pick up the phone so I can have a good cry with her and talk to her.

Jas and I also decided that today would be the day we would move some of Elora's ashes into Charlies keepsake necklace, the sterling silver cross shaped box I got for her memory box, and into the baby bear we keep on the bed. Once I get around to cleaning out the huge living room fish tank and move the schooling fish out of our room, we plan to move the memory box to our room and out of the bassinet.

Gonna be lots more tears to come I just know it. Pray for strength to get me thru this evening...

Updated--I decided it was not right to just throw away the paper we used to make a funnel and the biodegradable spoon we used to scoop her ashes. I burned the paper at the base of the magnolia tree and buried the spoon under our rose bush in the garden.