Friday, October 31, 2008

New friend

While baby sitting today for Lanee, I met a girl who was there at the play place with her 3 little girls. Before we started talking she moved to a chair in the corner and began to breastfeed her little one. I was so glad to see someone not ashamed or afraid to do so in public!! Good for you!

After a few bits of talk we discovered a lot of similar interests, we are even both on the same Yahoo group. I eventually told her about Elora and I found out her baby girl is only 10 days older. I got to hold her for about 15 minutes and it was the best feeling ever!

We exchanged phone numbers and MySpace info and plan to get together again this weekend or next week when i have the kids again. I love making new friends and it seems I may have found one. :)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Not so good actually...

Ok now Im crying my eyes out... I went to go check out the MISS forums because I havent in a few days. For some reason the simplest of posts has just hit me to the core. Not necisarily because Im sad I think, but because Im relieved. It'll be so much easier to post the words here than try to reexplain it all.

Post from the MISS forums:

Keely is buried with a blue stuffed angel; that is how sure I was that she was a boy. We didn't know the sex until birth for sure because I didn't believe the ultrasound tech. After she was born, the hospital gave us the most delicate little pink dress that she wore for photos and was later buried in. They also gave us a tiny pink robe she wore and we now display framed. They are perfect and gorgeous; just right for her. But I never got to shop for the little girl I never thought I'd have.
Shortly after her days, my mom asked if I'd like to buy a dress for her memory trunk but I couldn't face the stores. The lights were too bright, the songs too sad (does "Tears in Heaven" play on repeat in Macy's?) and I couldn't risk seeing some little girl take home the same dress mine would never get the chance to wear.
These thoughts have followed me through 18 months until Sam and I decided the time was right. We searched until we found Keely's dress; the only one I'll ever get to choose for her and it is brilliant. It is the dress of an angel.

Here is what I replied:

I think seeing this post has made me decide it wouldnt be too crazy to go ahead and buy Elora the Christmas dress I didnt think Id get to. Having 2 sons and a stepson, it was definatly one of the things I was looking forward to this holiday season. Im just crying my eyes out as I type this, yet Im not sure why. Relief maybe, at knowing its ok...that Im not the only one thinking of buying things for baby who will not use them.Thank you

So maybe my day isnt going to be as carefree and easy as I wanted it to be.

Agape Meeting

Well the meeting Tuesday was wonderful! So many different stories, but all the same grief. I found out about anther one for people who have had a loss and are ttc. Going to carve Eloras pumpkin sometime today I hope I dont mess it up LOL. Gonna take pics of course :)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

New adventure tonight

Well I failed at the one on one grief counseling. I thought it was something I wanted as opposed to a group of strangers all trying to relate to each others pain. I just wasn't feeling it yet I guess, as much as I thought that was what I wanted or needed. Now though I kinda wish I was still talking to her.

After silently belonging to the forums at the MISS foundation though, I have discovered I enjoy hearing I'm not the only one sitting in this pit of grief. As much as the others try to reach out and comfort each other, or those of us new on this journey; it just seems a bit lacking with a monitor or other piece of hardware kind of ruining the mood.

That's when I decided I think I might like having someone like that near me, or close enough that I can call and meet. I think of that person like an AA sponsor in some respects. Someone I can get to know and have them come running over at anytime of the day or night if i just need a hug. Now I do have my husband and he has been a rock through all of this, saying he needs to be that for me. He has a job though, sleeps during the day, and will not be here next spring when he is deployed. So if anything, now is the time to get my feet wet and find this "someone" I might need.

Tonight is going to be my first meeting of the AGAPE group on base, a place for parents grieving the loss of an infant, or pregnancy loss. They were the ones who sponsored the walk I went on on the 15th. I'm hoping this doesn't end up being to religion based. I'm not even sure Ill share tonight, but I always overshare and can't imagine me not getting excited, waiting to let them hear about my baby girl! In fact Ive managed to tell the important notes of her story so fast and without much emotion, so that the few minutes you might interact with a customer service person, or random group of players in WoW, or even the FedEx man they can know what I'm going thru. Sad huh?

This will probably one of the few times I feel the need to write more than once a day, but I'm anxious waiting to get ready and go. And I'm sure there will be much I need to say when I get back. I don't really expect many to read this, as it's supposed to be for my own well being and a coping mechanism, yet I write as if there is already an audience. (not that I necessarily want one either) Guess that's why blogging for some can be like writing "Dear Diary," cause that little pink book doesn't hear either, nor have an opinion, yet we write as if to a best friend.

I'm rambling now...until tonight...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

My front yard

Well I was going to post how I decorated for Halloween this year. Not tha Im totally in the mood for the holidays, but its also something thats busy work and takes my thoughts elsewhere for a little while. Once I get mySpace to cooperate and have my pics show up in a slideshow Im going to stick them in here.

NVM I just made it into a windows movie HEHE

Roman decided he wanted to make one with my pics too. Im ashamed to say I think his is better than mine...whatever watch both and enjoy!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Page changes

Not much going on today... I played around with the page and added a guestbook. This week was crazy, stupid FedEx doesnt seem to know what the word overnight means *sigh* I've had a pretty good week grief-wise, no major breakdowns, lit my Sunday candle. So I've managed to stay out of the pit of darkness and stay in the light of the love of my family and friends. One of my new friends is fast becoming a place I like to count on and lean on. She know who she is...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Just another day?

Yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and it’s also the day Elora would have turned 2 months old. I lit a candle in remembrance of my baby. I wanted to share this with you, but I did figure a few people would not be overly impressed with this “DAY” since there seems to be a “day” for just about everything now.

This got me thinking about our vast array of “National Holidays” we can choose to celebrate. Talk Like a Pirate Day is one of my favorites. Not because I actually talk like a pirate on that day, but just out of sheer fascination that someone not only thought it up in the first place, but got enough other people interested that it’s become a “day.” Ever heard of What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day? What exactly are we supposed to do on that day? Just sit around wondering what kinds of mischief our pets would get into if they did in fact have opposable thumbs? I’ll tell you what the cats would do. They’d leave. Most of them don’t like us that much to begin with. A thumb would come in very handy on the front door. I’m sure the dog would be more than happy to give them a boost.

So I’m sitting thinking of all these goofy, meaningless days, and wondering why people have heard of things like National Go Barefoot Day, but they have not heard of the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Or why so many people would be much more comfortable with me talking about VCR Day, than they are with me talking about a day in remembrance of my precious baby who died. To tell you the truth, it’s enough to make me wish it was the International Moment of Frustration Scream Day. Too bad I missed that one three days ago.

But really, folks, let’s get serious. Horrible as it is, children and babies die way more often than anyone wants to think or talk about. But being forced into silence leaves those of us who are grieving feeling very much alone. Is it any wonder we cling to each other when those who are supposed to love us spend more time running away or chastising us than they do trying to really care or help?

I would like to ask those of you who know someone who has lost a child to please, please, just call them up or send them an email and say you are thinking of them. Tell them you are remembering their child, and use the child’s name. Would you like it if we referred to your kids as “him” or “her” or “the baby” all the time? They have names. We love to hear them used. Please reach out to those you know are hurting. We know you are uncomfortable. We understand. If you don’t know what to say, a hug or a sincere “I am here for you” would be fine. Just saying we are in your thoughts is a very nice thing to hear. Saying our child is in your thoughts is even nicer.

Make a Difference Day is coming up soon. I suggest you start making a difference right now, by showing some of the love we know is in your hearts. Love not shown might as well not even be there at all. We need your love, more than you can possibly know. You cannot fathom the depth of this pain, and we wouldn’t want you to. We just ask that you be here for us as we try to live through it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

On October 15, at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies that have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Emotional today in more ways than one

I know this is a bad place to start a blog. Like opening a book to the middle of the story and just trying to figure out whats going on. But thats not really my problem I guess...

Well right as I was thru getting the stacks of newspaper I needed to pack around the cooler of breastmilk I shipped to Victoria today, I got an email alert saying that the request to have Eloras name put in the sand was finished and posted. It made me smile at first really, but then the tears started to come quietly down my face. I think because i knew the pics I had seen before reminded me of heaven, and I think mostly they were happy tears. I knew how beautiful the pic was going to be and I couldnt wait to see it. But by the time the crying became hard enough that I had to catch my breath, I was sad again and missing my baby terribly.

So anyway, I got home and packed up my precious milk, and waited for the FedEx man to arrive. All was going great until i realized how bittersweet it was to finally have it going to a great home and into the mouth of a precious baby. I mentioned to the guy it was a happy and sad thing happening at the same time. When he asked why, it was the first time in about 3 weeks I could barely talk to say that same old sentence "because my daughter was stillborn 8 weeks ago" I feel as if Ive said it so many time noow its gotten easier to say. Which helps a little, cause then my voice doesnt crack and strangers behind whatever counter, don't think ive gone crazy.

So now here it is 10:30 and I have a small headache, Im chatting with Victoria, and have tears attempting to escape. I just seem to be a ball of emotions for some reason right this minute. I feel drained too... I think its time to go.

First entry...second try at blogging

Well here we go again. Maybe I will actually write in this one. Now that life has changed so drastically, and I need an outlet.... You will forgive any grammer errors please. Just check back once in a while or even subscribe, then you'll know when I add something.

Missing and loving my baby girl always...