Seven months

Hard to believe its been seven months already. Part of me is doing really really good, and sometimes the other part comes out and i just cry and cry all day. I officially stopped pumping on Sunday night, luckily i had only been pumping twice a day for the week prior and once a day the last week before I stopped. My breasts didnt really start missing being used until about Wednesday afternoon, but it has been ok physically.

I made the down payment on my reborn doll with the tax return last month. The woman doing her has just started painting the skin this week. Im super excited to get some pics soon! Im also going to have a 30 minute session with a medium/psychic on April 2nd. Can't wait for that!

More pain in my future

I have been dreading this day, and have been crying on... more than off all night. I know am going to have to feel and face the things i was able to prolong by pumping. Like the way the my full breasts made me feel like I was a new Mommy, even though I had no baby to show for it. Im afraid of how much more my hurt can hurt, and if this will be healthy for me mentally. Pumping for that precious boy is all that made me get out of bed every morning.

Well, its not how I wanted it to end, but it seems my recipient Mom is done with me sooner than expected and without warning. (Another topic in and of itself) Now I need to figure out how to slowly stop pumping milk to where it wont damage me too much physically, and emotionally. I guess in some way it's a Godsend, cause last week I was going to post about how I felt a bit like a traitor, with my hands always smelling of breastmilk and baby lotion. I probably even smelled like I had a baby at home...

Please pray for gentle days ahead. This isnt going to be easy.

Blech

Its just been a really bad week. Emotional breakdowns, sad holidays, and low milk supply. I think the milk is partially due to my cold Ive been fighting for a week, and the fact that my good double pump has broken. I am forced to use my old single Evenflo which just isnt cutting it. Im lucky to get 3-4 oz a day!! When not 2 weeks ago I was getting anywhere from 6-9.

I thought about stopping, but that was the night of the emotional breakdown. I realy needed to talk to V to see what she had to say, or maybe even give me the strength to make the decision and get me thru it. I know it's mine alone to make, but the baby is what keeps me going and who is dependent on my liquid gold. She is so much a stronger person than she believes she is i think. V has overcome so much and I'd love to have her to lean on whenever either I, we, or my breasts decide it's over.

But for now I am going gung-ho and am bound and determined to do my best to get my milk back up to what it was. Ive got some new herbs, eating my oatmeal, and will be back on my lactation meds in less than 2 weeks! Please call me Mama!!

Wishing the rest of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

One of the more emotional days

I have been pretty sick the last couple days and because of the party Saturday, my pumping had just been poor. I felt real guilty about it yesterday, seeing as I am pumping to feed another woman's baby. I am also out of lactation meds and what Ive been trying to do just isn't cutting it. All things considered, I have kept my supply at least twice as long as I expected. I think this just might finally be it for me. I just hope V will understand and some day pick up the phone so I can have a good cry with her and talk to her.

Jas and I also decided that today would be the day we would move some of Elora's ashes into Charlies keepsake necklace, the sterling silver cross shaped box I got for her memory box, and into the baby bear we keep on the bed. Once I get around to cleaning out the huge living room fish tank and move the schooling fish out of our room, we plan to move the memory box to our room and out of the bassinet.

Gonna be lots more tears to come I just know it. Pray for strength to get me thru this evening...

Updated--I decided it was not right to just throw away the paper we used to make a funnel and the biodegradable spoon we used to scoop her ashes. I burned the paper at the base of the magnolia tree and buried the spoon under our rose bush in the garden.

New friend

While baby sitting today for Lanee, I met a girl who was there at the play place with her 3 little girls. Before we started talking she moved to a chair in the corner and began to breastfeed her little one. I was so glad to see someone not ashamed or afraid to do so in public!! Good for you!

After a few bits of talk we discovered a lot of similar interests, we are even both on the same Yahoo group. I eventually told her about Elora and I found out her baby girl is only 10 days older. I got to hold her for about 15 minutes and it was the best feeling ever!

We exchanged phone numbers and MySpace info and plan to get together again this weekend or next week when i have the kids again. I love making new friends and it seems I may have found one. :)

First entry...second try at blogging

Well here we go again. Maybe I will actually write in this one. Now that life has changed so drastically, and I need an outlet.... You will forgive any grammer errors please. Just check back once in a while or even subscribe, then you'll know when I add something.

Missing and loving my baby girl always...