Monday, February 16, 2009

More pain in my future

I have been dreading this day, and have been crying on... more than off all night. I know am going to have to feel and face the things i was able to prolong by pumping. Like the way the my full breasts made me feel like I was a new Mommy, even though I had no baby to show for it. Im afraid of how much more my hurt can hurt, and if this will be healthy for me mentally. Pumping for that precious boy is all that made me get out of bed every morning.

Well, its not how I wanted it to end, but it seems my recipient Mom is done with me sooner than expected and without warning. (Another topic in and of itself) Now I need to figure out how to slowly stop pumping milk to where it wont damage me too much physically, and emotionally. I guess in some way it's a Godsend, cause last week I was going to post about how I felt a bit like a traitor, with my hands always smelling of breastmilk and baby lotion. I probably even smelled like I had a baby at home...

Please pray for gentle days ahead. This isnt going to be easy.