Christmas spirit *sigh*

I have been trying my best to get into the spirit of the holidays. Jas and I decided to go to the squadron party this year. We haven't been to one since 2004 in Germany. I even got a brand new dress ( I couldn't afford), new shoes, and a new shirt for Jas. He has a suit but his only dress shirt is khaki in color. I figured he needed something a bit more festive.

Here is a pic of the dress on the rack, but I will update with hopefully rockin pics from that night! I am not so photogenic, so we'll see.

Elora's Urn

Well we finally decided on an urn for our baby girl. Unfortunatly, it's a tad expensive and the persn I want to buy it from won't allow me to send him payments for it. So I thought Id take a chance and add a donation button to my blog and see if I can get some help with this. I mean after all I didn't get a baby shower, or anything off my registry. I figure it can't hurt to ask for a little help in my time of grief. All I want is to finally put my baby girl to rest. She has spent the last 3 months in a tiny white plastic box, and it's killing me.

I want to extend a warm and heartfelt thank you to those who do decide to help us out! You will not be forgotten. Just click the angel wings on the left.

You think I did not give birth?

I ran across this while looking up something else and wanted to share it. I do hope that North Carolina will pass the MISSing Angels bill soon. Watch the video below for touching insight to parents needing this bill passed in all 50 states.


By Kara L.C. Jones
KotaPress Editor

Let me tell you something: Abortion is Completely Different from Stillbirth

Gawd, I swear this American culture is the most Ack-basswards culture on the planet. Abortion is completely and totally different from stillbirth. They have absolutely nothing in common and the experiences do not compare at all -- except possibly in the expression of grief afterward if anyone cares to admit there is resultant grief after abortion. But in our idiotic American culture no one seems to get that the process of birthing a stillborn child is NOT like scheduling an appointment for an abortion!! Seems that unless a person has actually pushed a stillborn child out of her own vagina or witnessed a partner do it, then people just think, "Oh well, a fetus is a fetus." ARG!

When a woman CHOOSES to have an abortion, she DECIDES to not have the "fetus". She makes an appointment, pays her fees, goes to the clinic at the designated time, and the "procedure" is done. She goes home and our world pretends all her problems are now solved. Though I would argue that some women and couples need counseling support after the abortion, but okay, that's another story. In the meantime, they CHOSE to have that PROCEDURE done.

When a woman has a STILLBORN CHILD, she DID NOT DECIDE to have a dead child. She was pregnant. She wanted a CHILD. She planned a nursery, had a baby shower, got her kid on a playgroup waiting list, was fussed over out in public, shared months and months of experience with her partner. She wanted her child to be born alive. ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She did not choose to have a dead child! And, let me tell you something else: she freaking GAVE BIRTH!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever been with a woman who is having a stillborn??? She gives birth. She has labor pains. She screams. She has dilation. She pushes. She has an emergency c-section. She births out the placenta, cord, and dead child.

Oh, right, but you're gonna tell me that she didn't give birth. Well guess what, even women who miscarry at 21 weeks -- guess what?? They go into LABOR -- they push out fully formed bodies of their children, cords, and placenta. And in fact if they birth all that at home during the miscarriage, they are asked to save it all and bring it to the hospital!!! Do you think that family brings that child, cord, and placenta to the hospital in a garbage bag?? Do you think they feel like they are just taking refuse to the dump when they do this?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THEY ARE TRANSPORTING THEIR DEAD CHILD WHO THEY WANTED AND PLANNED FOR TO THE GODD*MNED HOSPITAL!

Oh, right, but you're gonna tell me that she didn't give birth and so why should any women like her get birth certificates? Why should any of us be treated as parents? And when your mother dies, guess what? I'm going to stop acknowledging you as her child, because come on now, she's dead. Why should you still have status as someone's child?

Grow up, people. Look at the rest of the world. Australia, in particular, where they are very clear that abortion is a completely different thing than stillbirth. It isn't that hard. We just need all you feminists to step up to the plate now. AND YES I AM TOO A FEMINIST! I marched for choice. That meant CHOICE FOR US ALL! You get to choose your abortion. I get to choose to have my child. If my child happens to be stillborn, then I should get the choice to have my birthing process, labor, and/or c-section recognized. I did not march for your choice alone. I marched for EVERYONE'S CHOICES! Come on, now, it's time you stepped up for me, too.

RIP Lestat

Sorry to see you go big guy... I know your now feeling much better and can run and play like you used to. I'm sure Winky is glad to finally see you! We will miss you very much and love you even more for the rest of our lives.

My new baby

I have also decided to get a reborn doll. Which is a doll made to look like a real baby. Lots of women just collect them, use them to recapture their grown children/grand children, or like me use them to hold their baby longer than they got to. I've heard that some of the more realistic ones have even triggered the chemical let down reflex in lactating Mommys. Which was my initial reason for wanting one in the first place. So far all I have managed to create for this purpose is a little outfit I sewed the arms and legs shut on and filled with poly beads. Not sure it has helped me let down, but I like the weight of it when I do carry it from the bedroom to the living room, and have it snuggled next to me in bed. (Insert crazy woman joke here and possibly look up the number for the psychiatrist)

Here are a few examples of the womans work I've decided to purchase from. What floored me was the skin detail, its also what won me over as far as a buyer.





To check out her other babies go check out her nursery.
Starlight Starbright Nursery

Busy work

Well I volunteered to make a website and a forum for the Agape support group I have been going to on base. It's my thing, and it gives me something to do besides play WoW. I'd love to post the link here, but I'm afraid of future confidentiality once the board is up and running. Someone who is reading this months or possibly years later, would then be linked to it well after it's been posted on etc.



I have so many things to catch up on here I may just have one giant post today instead of 3 or 4....I dont know I havent decided yet.



What i didnt get fired up about yet, is the fact that I lost the dress on eBay and when I tried to kindly ask the woman who won it if I could have it, she essentially told me to fuck off. So then I found another one similar to it, that I had seen at Sears last weekend. Managed to miss the closing and the first and only bidder won it as well for only eight dollars! Looks like I'm going to Sears tomorrow to buy my baby the Christmas dress she'll never get to wear.

MMM pizza

Real homemade pizza...
While Roman and I were at the store today we found some seasoned mozzarella. It was marinating in Olive oil and red pepper pieces and garlic. I've never once made pizza with whole slices of mozzarella like they do on TV, so I thought I'd give it a try. Mine is still cooling as I write this, but the guys said they LOVED theirs!! I have some before and after pics, cause i just have to brag.

MMM I can't wait to eat it!!

I like this safe spot

As I was reading on my MISS forums over the weekend, I read another post about some sort of anniversary or date that reminded someone of something. Nothing new really, except I realized I wasn't at any of those things yet. So far all I had was the day Friday, and the date the 15th of the last 2 months. It also made me realize that that made me a little different or special, as I was still in this "safe zone" that pre-empted any other dates to remember and be sad about.

I'm still before the date of my last period last year.
I'm still before those days of implantation cramps the week befre Christmas.
I'm still before the day I found out I was pregnant.
I'm still before the month of constant morning sickness.
I'm still before the day of my appendix operation, where we saw our baby bean at 19 weeks for the first time.
I'm still before my trip home to show off my pregnant belly in May.
I'm still before the sonogram when we found out she was a girl.
I'm still before the last summer I spent with Charlie before he is all grown up.
I'm still before August 12th where life ws still carefree and I was completely clueless...

Does anyone know how to stop time?

OMG OMG OMG

Yay!! My friend has gotten in touch with me, and now I feel like such an ass. Im glad everything is ok and now feel as if I overreacted. I need to learn not to be so worried and needy. At least I can smile now and quit stressing so much. I guess though that I wouldnt have been so bent out of shape if I didnt really want to keep her as a friend.

I'm sorry V...I promise not to freak out again.

Lotsa love!!

Older new friend

Well I dont know what Ive done, but im a little sad and worried as to why my other new friend hasnt written or called me. Ive already gone beyond stalker-like with my phone calls and im not going to beg someone to talk to me. I dont think she has even checked my blog out in days either, which I thought was becomming pretty regular.

Im close to tears actually. Just when I got used to having her be a regular part of my day, something to look forward to...Im not sad because its been 3 days. Im just upset because I miss her and I thought she was missing me too, cause if she was she'd call.

Here's hoping she reads this...

Found the dress

I found the dress I wanted to buy last week online, but the store where I found it was sold out of the 6 months size. So I began searching the Internet for other dresses from the same company hoping to find it elsewhere...no luck. I did however find out they sell that brand at Sears, but found nothing I liked, at least at Sears online. After searching on eBay about 10 times and a trip to Sears yesterday, I had found another one Id settle for.

However, today I went to eBay again, and was most pleased to find the original dress for sale!! I'm watching the auction now and hope I can get it for not too much. Right now its at eight dollars!