Monday, October 13, 2008

Emotional today in more ways than one

I know this is a bad place to start a blog. Like opening a book to the middle of the story and just trying to figure out whats going on. But thats not really my problem I guess...

Well right as I was thru getting the stacks of newspaper I needed to pack around the cooler of breastmilk I shipped to Victoria today, I got an email alert saying that the request to have Eloras name put in the sand was finished and posted. It made me smile at first really, but then the tears started to come quietly down my face. I think because i knew the pics I had seen before reminded me of heaven, and I think mostly they were happy tears. I knew how beautiful the pic was going to be and I couldnt wait to see it. But by the time the crying became hard enough that I had to catch my breath, I was sad again and missing my baby terribly.

So anyway, I got home and packed up my precious milk, and waited for the FedEx man to arrive. All was going great until i realized how bittersweet it was to finally have it going to a great home and into the mouth of a precious baby. I mentioned to the guy it was a happy and sad thing happening at the same time. When he asked why, it was the first time in about 3 weeks I could barely talk to say that same old sentence "because my daughter was stillborn 8 weeks ago" I feel as if Ive said it so many time noow its gotten easier to say. Which helps a little, cause then my voice doesnt crack and strangers behind whatever counter, don't think ive gone crazy.

So now here it is 10:30 and I have a small headache, Im chatting with Victoria, and have tears attempting to escape. I just seem to be a ball of emotions for some reason right this minute. I feel drained too... I think its time to go.