Thursday, October 30, 2008

Not so good actually...

Ok now Im crying my eyes out... I went to go check out the MISS forums because I havent in a few days. For some reason the simplest of posts has just hit me to the core. Not necisarily because Im sad I think, but because Im relieved. It'll be so much easier to post the words here than try to reexplain it all.

Post from the MISS forums:

Keely is buried with a blue stuffed angel; that is how sure I was that she was a boy. We didn't know the sex until birth for sure because I didn't believe the ultrasound tech. After she was born, the hospital gave us the most delicate little pink dress that she wore for photos and was later buried in. They also gave us a tiny pink robe she wore and we now display framed. They are perfect and gorgeous; just right for her. But I never got to shop for the little girl I never thought I'd have.
Shortly after her days, my mom asked if I'd like to buy a dress for her memory trunk but I couldn't face the stores. The lights were too bright, the songs too sad (does "Tears in Heaven" play on repeat in Macy's?) and I couldn't risk seeing some little girl take home the same dress mine would never get the chance to wear.
These thoughts have followed me through 18 months until Sam and I decided the time was right. We searched until we found Keely's dress; the only one I'll ever get to choose for her and it is brilliant. It is the dress of an angel.

Here is what I replied:

I think seeing this post has made me decide it wouldnt be too crazy to go ahead and buy Elora the Christmas dress I didnt think Id get to. Having 2 sons and a stepson, it was definatly one of the things I was looking forward to this holiday season. Im just crying my eyes out as I type this, yet Im not sure why. Relief maybe, at knowing its ok...that Im not the only one thinking of buying things for baby who will not use them.Thank you

So maybe my day isnt going to be as carefree and easy as I wanted it to be.