Tuesday, October 28, 2008

New adventure tonight

Well I failed at the one on one grief counseling. I thought it was something I wanted as opposed to a group of strangers all trying to relate to each others pain. I just wasn't feeling it yet I guess, as much as I thought that was what I wanted or needed. Now though I kinda wish I was still talking to her.

After silently belonging to the forums at the MISS foundation though, I have discovered I enjoy hearing I'm not the only one sitting in this pit of grief. As much as the others try to reach out and comfort each other, or those of us new on this journey; it just seems a bit lacking with a monitor or other piece of hardware kind of ruining the mood.

That's when I decided I think I might like having someone like that near me, or close enough that I can call and meet. I think of that person like an AA sponsor in some respects. Someone I can get to know and have them come running over at anytime of the day or night if i just need a hug. Now I do have my husband and he has been a rock through all of this, saying he needs to be that for me. He has a job though, sleeps during the day, and will not be here next spring when he is deployed. So if anything, now is the time to get my feet wet and find this "someone" I might need.

Tonight is going to be my first meeting of the AGAPE group on base, a place for parents grieving the loss of an infant, or pregnancy loss. They were the ones who sponsored the walk I went on on the 15th. I'm hoping this doesn't end up being to religion based. I'm not even sure Ill share tonight, but I always overshare and can't imagine me not getting excited, waiting to let them hear about my baby girl! In fact Ive managed to tell the important notes of her story so fast and without much emotion, so that the few minutes you might interact with a customer service person, or random group of players in WoW, or even the FedEx man they can know what I'm going thru. Sad huh?

This will probably one of the few times I feel the need to write more than once a day, but I'm anxious waiting to get ready and go. And I'm sure there will be much I need to say when I get back. I don't really expect many to read this, as it's supposed to be for my own well being and a coping mechanism, yet I write as if there is already an audience. (not that I necessarily want one either) Guess that's why blogging for some can be like writing "Dear Diary," cause that little pink book doesn't hear either, nor have an opinion, yet we write as if to a best friend.

I'm rambling now...until tonight...


Magic Mom said...

I'm so glad you're doing this for yourself. Elora lives on through your words, so never stop talking about her. It's not sad that the Fed Ex man knows. I'd hate to think we've become so numb as a society that we've stopped relating to each other. Keep talking about her. Only stop when you catch your breath. I wish I could've heard about your night, unfortch I JUST woke up from falling asleep when I put the kids to bed. I'm an awesome friend, I know. But I'm still here, so you know.